Stop shoulding on yourself!
You should lose weight…
You should stay late and finish that project…
You shouldn’t drink so much…
You should go to the gym…
You should volunteer for that event (even though you are at max capacity)...
You should get that laundry done…
You shouldn't speak up at that meeting…
You should stand up for yourself…
You should know better…
You shouldn’t have said that…
You shouldn’t feel that way…
You should’ve been able to handle that…
You shouldn’t waste so much time on TikTok…
You shouldn’t be so lazy…
Should-y McShould-r-son is one of our loudest inner critics. It runs its opinionated mouth on repeat in the back our brains all day long. Do you hear it now? The voice disguises itself as helpful but the tone is “shame’y, blame’y”, and not at all helpful. Letting those thoughts run unchecked in the background of your mind, is the reason you always feel slightly guilty or that you’re disappointing someone or you feel shame but you can’t quite put your finger on it. It erodes your self-esteem and makes you feel like a failure.
The good news is, these thoughts are just faulty thinking patterns. Often times, those thoughts were offered to you as a child, by well meaning parents, teachers, and authority figures in your life. They are lingering voices from those people redirecting your behavior but they plant themselves and play on repeat to remind you of what makes others happy. Your brain automates those thoughts as a protection mechanism. Your primitive brain’s job is to keep you safe, and it’s really good at that job.
What we need to do as adults is recognize those statements and understand they are the foundation of shame and guilt, and examine their validity. Let me show you how it works. For example, when your inner critic says “you should go to the gym” your inner realization is that you’re not at the gym… and right there is where shame and guilt start to bubble up because the statement is in conflict with your true, real life experience right then.
When you’re minding your own business, comfy on the couch watching Netflix and your critic offers you “you shouldn’t be so lazy”, you internally believe that thought is right, even though your inner critic does not take into account that you worked really hard today and need and deserve rest. The inner critic never tells you the whole story, it never looks at the big picture, it never accounts for ALL of the truth.
People ask me all the time how to recognize their inner critic, one way is to listen and catch those thoughts that pop in throughout your day. Hearing any statement in the form of should or shouldn’t is a hint.
As a test, I wrote down every single should/shouldn’t thought my inner critic offered up to me while I was working on a project last week. There were 34 negative statements that my inner critic shared with me during the time I was working. They were all in some form of should or shouldn’t and sprinkled in were underlying threads of “you’re not good enough”. The statements were not sophisticated, or complex, they literally were just trying to stop me from taking the risk of putting myself out there through this project. My primitive brain was doing its job, trying to stop me from moving forward to avoid risk.
Can you see how that works?
It's one of those things you can’t unsee. Now that you know and have seen example statements, you will recognize it in yourself. When you start to become aware, don’t get twisted, this is a normal part of the human experience. Be gentle with yourself and explore why that thought popped up, where is it rooted? Whose voice is it? What are you avoiding? Many times it’s a residual thought of when you were told how to behave as a child, maybe it stems from values that are not your own. Explore what your true core values are. Listen for your inner guide to direct you.
Your inner guide is always truthful, helpful, kind and gentle in tone even if it’s delivering a message that requires you to do something challenging or hard. Your inner critic is always exposing, hurtful, rude and sometimes sarcastic in tone. Watch for the differences as you go through your day.
Here are some steps you can take to combat your inner critic:
Recognize the thoughts: The first step to overcoming negative self-talk is to recognize when it's happening.
Listen for thoughts in the form of "should" or "shouldn't." Examine the thoughts: Once you've identified the thought, take a step back and examine it. Where is it coming from? Is it rooted in your own core values or someone else's?
Challenge the thoughts: Don't just accept the negative thoughts as true. Challenge them and replace them with positive, empowering thoughts. For example, instead of "I should lose weight," try "I choose to take care of my body by eating healthy and exercising."
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle and kind to yourself when you do slip up. Remember, no one is perfect, and it's okay to make mistakes.
Seek support: Don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or a coach for support and guidance.
Remember, you have the power to choose which thoughts to listen to and which to let go. With a little practice, you can learn to reframe negative thoughts and reclaim your self-esteem.
You got this!! Be kind to yourself this week!
Chris
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