Meh…

Have you ever felt separated and disconnected from yourself? I did…

I know I wasn’t born a people pleaser, but I found favor in behaving well and being a “good girl”. Nothing wrong with that per say but I never spent any time thinking about my needs.
People would ask me what I wanted to do, and almost every time I’d say “I dunno, what do you want to do?” I’d default to what ever was easiest and what ever others wanted to do. I didn’t want to make waves, and honestly I didn’t know myself enough to give an answer.

I did “normal” things - got married (young), bought a house, raised two kids, had jobs I did well at… was told by my friends that I had the “white picket fence” life.

Appearances…

I was still deferring to my husband, comparing myself to others and while seeing some success, something always seemed to be missing. I had all the things that society tells me I need, but I felt… meh… something was missing.

The problem was, the connection to me was missing. What was my truth, where was my authenticity? I had no idea.

I know that sounds a bit “coach’y” but even though it seemed like I had it all together I felt disconnected/stuck and that made me feel shame and guilty as hell! WHY do I feel this way!?! I have all the things!

I went through a period that I shared in previous posts where I had “no job, no house, no kids and no dog” to look after and was left with me and my thoughts. During that time my partner in crime was (and still is) very supportive and encouraged me to take my time to find a new job and get my head together.

I consider myself a life long learner, I read a ton, I googled a lot, journaled every day and swam. It was during that time that I started to connect with myself. Swimming was very healing for me because it turned off the chatter in my head, I could only think about breathing through each stroke, otherwise I’d for sure drown!

I believe the Universe is always conspiring for my good and after about 4 months of swimming I got a call for an interview, and started a new job. I found a pod cast that changed my life and showed me ways to find out who I was, and helped me identify and connect to what is important to me. I discovered my core values.

What I gained from that work was a personalized tool box to have my own back. My self concept and confidence grew and I now have a solid foundation to rely on to make any decision.

I understand me, I am connected to me, I love me, I accept my flaws and quirks and know I can handle anything. I live with 3 words at the forefront of my mind to remind me - Authentic. Connected. Honest. Those three things have to come before anything else for me, so that I stay connected and make decisions from my value system.

What are “core values” anyways?
Simply put, they are your beliefs, principles and ideals that you hold most dear.

My mistake was that I accepted everyone else’s without ever asking myself if they were true to me. That’s how you end up feeling disconnected to who you truly are.

Think on that… what do you believe just because your parents or family or friends handed them to you to believe? If they connect deeply with your heart then keep them, if they don’t explore that.