Trust Issues
This has been a hot topic with my clients lately. Being able to trust and advocate for themselves.
If you are in the People Pleaser Club like I have been, you’ll find it hard to make an independent decision, you’ll always seek out the support of people you don’t want to disappoint. A lot of time that works and you can fly under the radar and no one will really notice. But what happens when you need to advocate for yourself? Yes that’s a thing! Sometimes the group or person you love moves in a direction that goes directly against your gut and you will have to decide for yourself. Will you? Will you go against the group and do what’s right for you? A lot of the time, I didn’t. I felt safe in the crowd but it also made me feel terrible at the same time.
My desire not to disappoint overrode my ability to advocate for myself. It was scarier to be seen that way but it also eroded my own confidence. Over time my own lack of trust in myself became a habit of deferral and I lost myself.
My go to reply to almost any choice offered became “I don’t care, what do YOU want to do?” “I’m ok with that, if that’s what you like”. I told myself all of this was ok because I was just being “flexible”, and “amenable”, and being those things have their place, but not 90% of the time. Granted, there were some circumstances in my past that made deferring safer and easier for me, but deferring and not advocating for yourself should never be the norm.
Do a self assessment:
Is it hard for you to make a decision?
Do you play an endless game of “what if” while trying to make a choice?
Is procrastination your go-to when you're faced with something you're uncomfortable with?
Do you come down hard on yourself if you make a mistake?
Are you afraid that making the wrong choice will disappoint people?
Do you follow the advice of others, even when it feels wrong to you?
When you don’t trust yourself you’re going to feel frazzled. Your choices and actions won’t always align to your core values and when they don’t it feels terrible.
There are ways to build trust within yourself. Navigating your life doesn’t mean controlling every twist and turn. It’s about pursuing your dreams, advocating for yourself using your core beliefs and adapting to life’s unpredictable nature.
Think about what your core values and beliefs are, so you can live your truth. Your path to happiness will not look like anyone else's. Your core values are what makes decision making very easy.
Check yourself, are you in the driver’s seat? What is your motivation for doing the things you do?
Have you ever thought about what your personal vision is for your life? What does success look like to you? Who is in your circle of influence? What kind of career do you really want? What does your health look like, what does it feel like?
Are there limiting beliefs that pop up when considering your personal vision? Does that inner voice say things like “you’re not good enough”, “that will never work”, “you aren’t qualified”, "you'll never be disciplined enough to …” Listen closely, is that voice yours, or a some kind of mash-up from your past or someone else's opinion. Challenge those thoughts and counter them with the truth of what you have accomplished and what you are skilled at.
Find the balance between what you can and cannot control. Own what you can control and let go of what you can’t. Check yourself here too with another little audit:
Are you fully present in your family/work life?
Are you sleeping enough?
Are you managing your time properly?
Are you eating properly?
Are you spending wisely?
Are you choosing your responses with care?
When these things are in alignment, embracing change, trusting in your own decision making will be a lot less stressful. Overthinking and worrying about every single possibility is extremely stressful. What if you just decided ahead of time, that everything would turn out amazing no matter which choice you made? It certainly will reduce the pressure of making the right choice and your intuition will kick in and lead you to the choice that is best for you. Try it!
Be kind to yourself this week!
Chris
